Choose when to fight

If you are ENGAGED or NEWLY-WED, don't be fooled into thinking this is not for you because it soon will be. Please also read our post about marriage being hard.

We have all been there. You're driving the car, cooking dinner, watching a movie, leaving for work, or simply out shopping when you have had enough of [insert personal annoyance here] and you just have to bring up that thing that is irritating you right now. More often that not, what happens next is you end up having a fight of sorts where you are both left dissatisfied and disquiet. No real resolution has happened, the partner who was "the cause" feels disgruntled and the partner who kicked things off is more unhappy than before.

While in some cases bringing up an issue on the spot may not lead to a fight, it is best to not. Don't ruin whatever it is you are doing together at that time just because of you. Stop, take a mental note, take a deep breath and suppress the frustration and annoyance. While this may sound like bottling up your feelings, it is more about containing your feelings. When arguments arise, you have to remember that for every argument there is a right time and place for that argument, and in the middle of the frozen food isle of the grocery store is not one of them.

The best time to fight is when you are both comfortable, relaxed and fed. In fact it shouldn't end up being a fight anyway. The point of this method is for a controlled release later once things inside your head have cooled down. When you bring up your topic in a calm and relaxed manner with the goal of the conversation to reach an understand and resolution you will have an incredibly better result.

Additionally, as newly-weds there are multiple benefits to taking the time to sit down together and discuss how best to bring up an "irritation" or "personal annoyance" you may have within your relationship. It is highly beneficial to even write down the words you decide to use to bring it up because you may need to refer to them later.

A few months ago out of the blue my wife made me a sandwich, sat down on the couch with me and started my favourite movie. After 20 minutes of great action sequences of the highly esteemed movie The Matrix, she utilised my relaxed state of mind and started to voice her (in this case multiple) concerns. Whilst I initially found it thoroughly irritating of her to distract me away from my favourite movie, she knew and I realised it was the perfect time to discuss the important topics. She had made sure that I would not be hungry and truly relaxed. In the calm and comfortable environment of our living room and the great tasting food in stomach, the next 15-20 minutes of discussion allowed us to talk though the cause of the irritations and the feelings that were established because of it.

Since then we have grown to love the way in which we argue. I know, it sounds crazy that we would say that, but we both know that when we argue not only does it help establish a better understanding of the situation, but it also helps us understand how we both listen, speak and understand.

So the next time you and your partner feel an argument arising, take a breath, look at each other and pick another time and place where you can have a discussion in a calm and collected way.But whatever you do, don't forget to bring the popcorn.


TL;DR - Don't fight in the moment. Instead, choose a time and place for that needed conversation.

- Mr & Mrs